Ramblings of my post-graduate/post-student life (or lack thereof). On a journey of rediscovery. I fancy tea, deep conversations, and flowers. Living the active lifestyle in my sweet Hawaii Nei.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I’m laying here staring at you while you sleep and once again I’m scared shitless, but I know I have to be brave enough to start the conversation that matters. And I’m also thinking about how the future and what that would entail if we were together.
I tell myself, “This is the life Jenn.”
And for someone who’s anxious like me, I honestly believe that the universe has put me exactly where I need to be. With someone like you, to teach me to be emotionally resilient and strong ON MY OWN. Most women never get that chance, to be that without having a man to fall back on. How ironic that this is something that I was working on this part of me and I’m dating someone like you, who’s going to be gone often… I think timing is perfect. Cause I get to grow too.
I don’t know what I’m doing, but there is no right way of doing something. And sometimes I wonder if I’m even cut out for this. I think I am, I don’t give myself enough credit as much as I should sometimes. You’ve been gone more than we’ve been physically together. I understand that your job is demanding.
I decided the 3 weeks you were gone: “Ok Jenn, you know what you’re getting yourself into. So what’s it going to be?” I always knew the answer…
And then as I lay here, I realized… if I strip away the job and the military and I just focus on *YOU & ME*. I realize I’m making it harder than it needs to be and then it becomes an easy decision: For you, I’ll sacrifice… because you are worth it. I choose you. I choose to challenge myself. I choose this life.
For you. I will.
7 months ago I wrote a post just like this on a sunday morning — (click here to read Part I).
As I read and reflect back on the posts from the past year, I see growth… strength… and a young lady trying to gracefully go through life’s terms.
And today, 7 months later on a sunday morning, I feel more at peace with my heart and soul than I have in my entire life.
Guilt isn’t my friend anymore. Guilt means I did something bad and I have accepted that I have done what was best for me. And when you put your happiness as priority, it’s not anything bad.
I am free to make choices, but that does not free me from the consequences of that choice (good or bad). I knew what was going to happen and I endured it. I believe in the saying, ‘Grow through what you go through’ — I feel that I have and I am continuing to grow.
I believe in growth and continuously challenging yourself. A comfort zone is beautiful thing, but nothing every grows there. Growth takes effort and sacrifice. Time are changing and it doesn’t matter who you are, sooner or later everybody has to embrace that.
So as I sit here outside with the breeze, and the puddles of rain on the ground from the remnants of last nights storm, and the sun finally peaking through — I can’t help but feel a sense of peace. It feels nice to finally wake up with no ache in my heart and a banging in my head.
We all have within us the ability to move from struggle to grace. i will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection.
I am beginning to feel like myself again… and everyone loves a comeback, especially if you are the one coming back.
blessed. grateful. love my life.
I am happy. I am trying very hard to stay present.
He makes me happy. He is consistent. He is respectful. He is sweet. He is hilarious and he makes me laugh uncontrollably.
I pray that it works out. I have to stay in the present, I can’t live in the future where he may or may not hurt me. I am content and okay about how things are working out right now… and until that no longer works for me, I will speak up.
For now, I am happy and content.
I’m getting my joy… and I’m going with it.
What’s the difference?” I asked him. “Between the love of your life, and your soulmate?”
“One is a choice, and one is not.